The Smoking Hearts – Pride of Nowhere

Release Date 08/03/2010

By Ian Snell

This first full release by the Smoking Hearts is bad, it is very bad, and it is quite possibly the worst music I have ever heard. It is so bad it even fails to be laughable. Its only possible use is as an aide to interrogators of terror suspects, but it is most likely forbidden by international law. In fact, if it lasted longer than 29 minutes, its composers would be placed on trial in The Hague for crimes against humanity.

Fortunately for overworked international law lawyers the chance of this band getting extensive radio play is equivalent to the Queen selling her self in an Amsterdam whorehouse for five Euros a go. Not to worry, the band themselves appear not to care what people think of them. At one point Lethal screams, “We’ll raise a toast to those that hate us most.” So it leaves this reviewer free to say, “I’d rather be buggered by a rusty chainsaw than listen to this record again.”

The ridiculously named boys, Lethal, Barker, Calvin, Matty and Nobba describe their work as The Ramones on heat playing Motorhead: an example that only works if you ignore the fact that both the Ramones and Motorhead at one point in their careers made records that you actually wanted to listen to. These bands also had enough wherewithals than to release anything resembling the depressingly titled ‘Thrash B4 Gash’. Moreover, neither band ever released anything that made you ashamed to have ears unlike the Smoking Hearts.

This album is so lobotomised, so puerile, so arrogant and so pointless, the fact that this CD exists in physical form debases all previous human achievement. The works of Socrates, Shakespeare, Da Vinci and Descartes all mean nothing when confronted with this brainless waste. If this is what the kids are into these days, it’s time to revive the policies of King Herod.

Reviewers Rating. Minus 6 out of 5

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6 responses

22 02 2010
anon

fuck you, get some taste.

23 02 2010
Sam C

Take it you didn’t like the CD then? 🙂

7 03 2010
Jess

Fair enough. You didn’t like it, but there’s plenty of people that do, and more important, these guys love what they’re doing and they’re proud of it. That’s all that counts.

10 09 2011
JO

Mate you can’t even string a sentence together and you’re masquerading as some sort of taste making journalist?

I’d rather dip my bell end in acid than read another one of your sycophantic, faux intellectual diatribes that read like a 5 year old’s music homework.

10 09 2011
your mum

Quality review!!

10 09 2011
Big B B

I’m glad you didn’t like this album, wait for their new one… SICK!

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