The Great JLS Boxing Match

Release Date 22/02/2010

Elinor O’Neill (fan of JLS)

Vs

Chris Oliver (most definitely not a fan of  JLS)

Round 1

Myself and JLS have a bond shared by few others; when I crashed my car last year, flipping the vehicle three times and spinning it around only to emerge from the wreckage bruised but not broken, I was listening to their debut album. Because of this, I feel a strange pull when I hear them, because to me, their angelic harmonising voices signal one thing, survival. 

When I stick in the CD, tres retro, I am a little concerned hearing them may bring on a full blown panic attack, but it doesn’t. It just sounds wonderfully smooth and very cool.

Second only to the memory of a car crash, the single reminds me of two very different but equally lyrically brilliant songs. The first being Britney Spears; Lucky which was released prior to the dawning of her difficult days and may well have been a forewarning of what was to come of a girl who should feel lucky but who is actually “Cry, cry crying at night”. The other song is The Girl All The Bad Guys Want by Bowling For Soup.

The lyrics allude to the difficulty of a guy brave enough to try his tricks with the ladies, who is approaching the pre-breakdown equivalent of Britney, a girl we read about in magazines. The song reminds us of the importance of making the most of every moment, as after all, we have only one shot.

I have always known that JLS are geniuses of the sing-song; I listened to Everybody In Love until the point when those who were not in love with me, or the song asked me, to put a blooming sock in it – though in an abbreviated form.

I was also aware of their mega-hunk status; they have a tendency to look as chiselled as Ken, and the innocence they exude makes one think of them in extremely asexual terms. And if they ever do respond to my fan-tweets demanding tickets and tokens, I would probably retreat quicker than John Terry from his meeting with Capello  

They have that boy-band quality that leads to the ladies lapping up every hit they churn out, but they lack the sex of Take That in their early days before they became mothers meeting fodder, and the underwear thrown at them became more likely to be Miss Selfridge than La Perla. 

I always wonder if I should feel a little guilty about my JLS obsession. Surely a lady of my years who used to be in a TTAC (Take That Are Crap) society when I was ten should not melt at their music, but I do, and I think we should acknowledge their talent for tunage.

One Shot professes a mature philosophy, which reads as Carpe Diem for illiterates and with it they have shown themselves to be more than just hunky, dancing, singers, who make you bop like a space hopper on speed; they are also learned beings and accomplished lyricists – even if according to daytime TV they are the third party responsible for me crashing my car.   

Round 2

JLS have broken the traditional boy-band mould and invented a new paradigm: the prematurely balding one; the one who desperately wants to grow some cool facial hair but can’t; the one who sings like Cher and can’t stand up without cocking his entire body to one side; and the one who looks like the lovechild of Sacha Baron-Cohen and Vin Diesel.

The old saying goes ‘you can’t polish a turd.’ Well, I reckon if you tried, you could probably flash-freeze it, apply some sort of superglue/laquer mix, leave it in the fridge overnight and ‘voila’ – shiny turd. Nowadays, technology allows us to make recordings of any talentless oiks sound quite good. JLS’s ‘One Shot’, however, is not one of those recordings; it is dire, unadulterated tripe of the worst kind.

They seem to have stolen a riff from the ‘Rave Anthems’ advert and the lyrics from Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ then got rid of all the good bits. At one point they even run out of words halfway through a chorus and say ‘da da da, da da da’. The pitiful ending to this disjointed mess of a song sounds like a 16 year old’s music technology project.

I genuinely despair that this will reach number one.

Who wins this title bout?

2 responses

13 02 2010
lostinnotation

I believe it will reach no 1 deservedly so. Da da da is a device used by all the best musicians to make one dance or consider the lyrics beforehand. Just look at Otis Redding, couldn’t find anything more suitable to fill the void left by his departure other than the sweet sound of someone just whistling a tune

15 02 2010
Jezza

Whilst Britain is in an economic duldrum their is one man trying his best to ensure we don not lose our place as a world leader in Manufactoring. Simon Cowell has developed the mother off all recycling machines, in the form of the X-Factor. For years now he has assembled an unskilled workforce sold the public a sad story why they deserve success and watched as the pounds (oops, sorry I meant text messages) roll in.

Now back to the debate, the point I was making is that this recycling machine has taken aspects that we have seen in recent times from Another Level and Blue. It has been repackaged and a had a multi coloured JLS stamp plastered all over it! JLS are the reason why I go out and feel odd for being the only one out who hasn’t got a chechered shirt on. The cause for men to venture out into the cold in nothing more than a vest and even worse the reason why I had to take the fuse out of my mum’s Hi-Fi. There catchphrase lyrics and soppy love ballards are destroying a generation. The world doesn’t need another Bono but surely these four muppets have better things to sing about.

My rant is over now unfortunately there career isn’t!

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